On 10-11-2006 (which means I was 17 years old, and more than likely dating Mario at that time)
I posted the following journal entry:

"Ever feel like...
...spreading your arms out and spinning until you fall down just because you feel so good?


I feel like doing that until I can't get back up.


=)"



...Basically, like letting yourself get so high on life that the crash doesn't even phase you.

And maybe there's an element of distraction in that idea, but maybe it's not such a bad thing to let your mind wander. Stagnancy is a curse.

"Free your mind, and the rest will follow."

I've been getting comments from my friends about how I have this broad array of different people in my life.

I just wanted to explain that a little bit:

I have this ever-growing fascination with human beings. I love observing personal interactions between people, or the lack thereof.
I'm not a smart girl. I can't remember things for long enough to consider myself intelligent, and my friends have always joked about my lack of common sense.
But the one thing I do feel that I understand is people.
I understand why the cutter cuts, because I've felt that way, and I've asked those who do.
I understand why the alcoholic drinks, both socially and alone, because I've watched my mother.
I understand why the romantic focuses on all the details, because I've listened to them speak.
I understand why some of the most amazing people isolate themselves from the rest of the world...

And I take my understanding, and I invite these people into my life. I introduce them to the variety of my friends... and they come to find that they were never really as alone in the world as they thought.
But what you don't say out loud can never be heard.

And ever since grade school, I've always looked for the quiet person in the room to sit by, because I've always felt that they would have the most interesting things to say. And it's funny to me that any kid would ever even think about that, but that's who I was...and am.

I can find beauty in just about anyone, or anything.
I was a very sad and angsty kid. And in a lot of ways, I had a right to be, most of the time.
But then Kerem came along, and showed me that there is beauty in even the simplest of things.
It's amazing really... how one person can change your life forever.

And I know that "beauty" is often thought of as superficial... But maybe that's just because I lack a better word to describe what I mean.

I think it's beautiful when a person realizes they don't have to be alone...
That there are billions of people out there, and there is bound to be at least 1 other person that cares enough to try to understand you.

And god... That makes me feel alive...
When Mario made a comment about how I must have chewed the inside of my lip off in anticipation from standing still so long waiting on Obama to get there...
The simplest thing.
That someone could ever care enough to remember such a small trait about me, that I chew the inside of my lip when I'm nervous or fidgety...

But it instills hope.
Because it means that people are capable of caring that much about another being.

And you know what?
I want everyone in the world to laugh as much as I do.
To laugh until their sides hurt.
To smile until their faces hurt.

To appreciate every sunrise for beginning a brand new day...

You are forever confusing me.

Like a house of mirrors, I never know if I'm seeing the real you.
And though your reflection is just as beautiful, it's hard and cold.

But I constantly wonder: if I were to shatter the glass, would the real you still be standing, or would you completely disappear?


Sometimes I feel like it's better that I just walk away.


Have I always given up this easy? Or have I already waited long enough? I haven't been keeping track.

So for the past year my friends Uncle for some reason has felt the need to be all up in my business on myspace, and I don't have the heart to tell him to piss off because he's one of the only people to ever buy my artwork before... but for some reason, despite how rude he always is towards me, I still open up to him. I'm not sure if it's because I need a slap in the face some times, or what, but here's an excerpt from a recent conversation we had:

Me: "When did the world start spinning backwards and men get more serious about relationships than women?"
William: "You're young so it just SEEMS that way. Men have ALWAYS been more prone to fall in 'love' faster than women... mostly because men confuse love with lust. Women tend to fall OUT of love faster, too. Mostly cuz women are bitches. :o)
So why the fall for a best friend? Is it because of so much time spent around him, him looking decent becasue he HAS a woman he's interested in so he's not playing you and you being sort of lonely or needy? Man, how did THAT happen? Why that's almost as bizarre a happening as co-workers hooking up!
I'm being sarcastic, of course.
Men only SEEM more serious... actually they just tend to be more aggressively territorial about it all. I swear, most men... if they could piss on a woman to claim her they would."


...Yeah, he's fucking nuts, and immensely offensive.

But the question is, how much of what he says is truth? Do I fall for unavailable men because it shows their resistance to temptation?


And more importantly, I've noticed a a trend in young blog writers:

There are the type of people who write about things that matter. Politics, world views, contradictions, movies, books, philosophy, etc. The people who are actually looking for interactions in their blogs. They are the people who will change the world.

There are the people who are very artistic and mysterious that you never know exactly what they're talking about, but surely it makes sense to them. And as you read their journal you're wishing you could be so clever, yet at the same time, you wish they wouldn't be so vague because you want to understand them and what makes them so mysterious (which would result in them no longer be mysterious, so you just accept it and go on thinking how beautiful they are).

Then there are the people who write exactly as they would to their own diaries, except allowing the world to read it. Names, places, etc are not worth hiding to them.
And you read their journals thinking they're making a documentary of their lives, yet their lives aren't interesting enough to bother with. And you stop reading.

And then there's the hybrid. The people people who wish they were mysterious, but at the same time they want everyone to understand, so they write they're thoughts without the use of names, though to anyone involved it's blatantly obvious what they're talking about.




I belong to all 4 groups, yet more often than not, I belong to the hybrid group.
I write to get my thoughts down, because the more I think, the more cluttered my brain gets. Sometimes I just need to see things written down to understand, or to reorganize.
I write because there are people I don't see very often, and I want them to know what's going on in my life.
But a lot of times, I write because I know my audience.
And then it makes it that much more ironic that I'm writing it down for them to read.
The hybrid group can pretend we're being vague, but in reality, we're writing everything we want our audience to understand. The things we're to afraid to say to their faces, because we're afraid of their reactions.
Or perhaps we feel that we've worn out what's already been said, and we no one wants to seem redundant.




But even though I know exactly what you're talking about,

...you're still a mystery to me.

To my surprise and disappointment, this year already fucking blows.

To my surprise and disappointment, this year already blows.

...spreading your arms out and spinning until you fall down just because you feel so good?


I feel like doing that until I can't get back up.


=)

I have the worst eating habits when I'm depressed...

Yesterday, I had a pint of cookies-n-cream ice cream for lunch, and had half a sandwich for dinner.
Today, I had half a muffin for breakfast, a happymeal for lunch, and then I had a single roll of sushi for dinner....at 10:30pm...
Chances are that I probably wont eat anything tomorrow...except maybe caffeine... and maybe some herbal happy pills if I can find out where Diane got those.  Probably the gas station.

Mario and I broke up for the -nth time the other day, though technically we weren't even dating.  However, if any of you have ever been around us while we're broken up, you wouldn't know the difference.  ...and I guess I fooled myself into not knowing the difference either.  Two years of my life are gone now.  A huge part of me is gone.  I gave my life to him, and now I'm left stranded with no one to hold the pieces of me together again.

...I really fucked myself over by staying with him so long, and loving him so much.  After a while, he wasn't just my boyfriend anymore, he was my closest friend.  But the thing about us being friends is that we were always affectionate, so I have no clue how to be his friend without touching him or being touched by him.  And because he was my friend, and I was so comfortable with him, I lost interest in trying to uphold other friendships except with Angie.  ...That relationship, too, has slid away from me, though...  For she has a life now, and I don't like to interrupt other people's lives for myself.

So I don't know what to do with myself.  I'd been with him so long, and it seemed that we were going to stay close for a long time, that I had planned my immediate future with him in it.  I go to sleep expecting his call to wake me up briefly to at least say goodnight... I get out of school, and I no longer have a second home to go to.  I mean, I still could because Miss Annie and Mike will always welcome me, but Mario would still be the one I'd want to see... And I have to get out of that habit.

I really broke down today... perhaps worse than I ever had.  I don't know how long I cried...but that isn't really the point, for the sobs were so choking...  I started beating on him, and if it hadn't been Miss Annie's house, I would have punched walls.  I kicked his shit around the room and knocked water all over the floor.  I considered smashing his phone or laptop.  I'm so broken that all I wanted to do was break him, too. 

I had to splash my face with cold water to calm myself down to drive home to get ready for work, and then had to put makeup on to cover the red splotches on my face from crying so hard.  When I got to work, Diane could tell I wasn't having a good day and offered to me a couple of her herbal mood enhancers.  Had it not been for how much I wanted to shove a broomhandle up Corey's drama fucking queen ass, they really would have made me feel better.  For the most part they did help though.  I didn't get any high from it, but I didn't feel as sad... I was just pissed off at Corey being such a fucking dick.  I hate working with him.  I'd have to admit, he's the only gay guy I've EVER disliked.

I was tempted to call up my sister and see if she'd let me stay with her tonight, just so I'd have someone to talk to that's been through what I'm going through, but I have my only class tomorrow at 8 am, and I don't want the extra drive to class.  My sister is really the only close friend I have anymore....and that's so horribly sad because I only see her maybe once a week. 

I feel like I've been ruined as far as dating goes.  It's not that I'm afraid of being hurt... I go into every relationship knowing that I have the potential of getting hurt (not that that helps me when the pain actually comes).  It's just that I'd been with him so long, and known him so well...mentally and physically... I feel like I'm going to expect everyone to be like him, and I'll be horribly disappointed when they're not, and that's not fair to me or them. 
...I don't remember how to date.  Mario and I were almost married we were so comfortable with each other.

Why is it that I can't just find a decently attractive guy who's artistic, not a druggie, but okay with hookah, slightly rebellious, and that can love me completely?--the only way I've ever known how to love.
...I give up for now.  I cannot see myself finding anyone to be with among this small pool of guys in Orange Park. 

I opened my eyes
While you were kissing me once, more than once,
And you looked as sincere as a dog
Just as sincere as a dog does,
When it's the food on your lips with which it's in love

I bet you could never tell
That I knew you didn't know me that well
It is my fault you see
You never learned that much from me

Oh you silly stupid pastime of mine
You were always good for a rhyme
And from the first, to the last time,
The signs said 'Stop' - but we went on whole-hearted
It ended bad, but I love what we started...

I took off my glasses
While you were yelling at me once, more than once,
So as not to see you see me react
Should've put 'em, should've put 'em on again
So I could see you see me sincerely yelling back

I bet your fortressed face
Belied your fort of lace
It is by the grace of me
You never learned what I could see

Oh you silly stupid pastime of mine
You were always good for a rhyme
And from the first to all the last times,
All the signs said 'Stop' - but we went on whole-hearted
It ended bad, but I love what we started...

-"Parting Gift" by Fiona Apple

So, just to update on my life...

School is pretty decent, overall.  My schedule is lovely, and I have so much freedom because of Dual Enrollment.  I practically own Student Services, or so it feels like.
My college classes are easy enough, so far.  I actually have the guy that's in the Cady&Cady ads (the one from Fleming) in my US Gov class.  He's a cool kid.  We talk about how he's famous.  =P  Actually, we talk more about photography.  Pretty effin' sweet.  lol, Makes Mario jealous...which makes me smile.

The hardest part of this year is having two art classes.  Price is gonna kill me this year... She's expecting a 9x12 drawing/painting every week, and 6 sketchbook pages every 2 weeks.  I might die.  I've never drawn that much.  Ever.  I mean, I'm decently good at drawing, but having to stick with a concept is gonna kill me because I'm not that creative.
And then with the current weather conditions, it's been massively hard to go shoot pictures for Nesi's class.  I ended up going after work last night.  I picked up Mario, and we went to the Eagle Harbour dock, that we've been going to for over a year.  It was nighttime, obviously, so I did long exposures.  Mario kept fixing my tripod for me, because it's a piece of shit, and he held the umbrella over me and my camera when it started to rain.  It was cute.

I didn't go to school today, though.  I had been really stressed out this week, and I just needed a day to get some shit done.  I didn't have any college classes, and I didn't feel bad about missing art and French.  I woke up, ate, finished my drawing for Price's class, drove out to Beach BLVD to set my traffic court date, went to the mall to buy my RagDoll perfume from HotTopic (God, I missed that stuff), ate, then came home and napped until I had to go to work.  I've gotten faster at closing, too...so that's nice.  I hate being at work until 11 when I have to close Bakery.  Tonight I finished by 10:20.  Woooo.

Man... The guys at work are so freakin' weird.  There's this one guy who used to like me when I first started working at Panera, and he used to be really nice to me.  But, I guess he must've seen Mario one of the times he came to eat lunch/dinner with me on my break, and he backed off.  Then he started dating another chick from work, and ever since he's pretty much been a dick to me.  He at least apologizes once in a while, when I bitch at him for being rude to me.
But then there's this other guy.  I don't really know his deal.  But he stayed for hours after his shift because he was detirmined to buy my dinner for me on my break.  I kept telling him no, and to go home, but he stayed regardless.  When I finally did go on break, I bought my food, and sat down and ate with him.  Then he finally left, but he left 5$ for me.  Crazy kid.

And guys think women are weird. 

I have a feeling I'll be living in the dorms for my first year of college.  It technically is cheaper, when you consider you're paying a set price for the ...year?  I think.  And that includes utilities and whatnot...  As opposed to paying monthly, plus utilities, to live in an appartment.  Besides, I don't have anyone that I'd move in with.  Mario's planning on moving into an appartment with 2 friends soon, so he'll be roped into that for at least a year or two, so that leaves me out.  And I can't think of anyone else that I'd like to live with.  It's hard to find people that you know you can handle spending a lot of time with, that wont irritate you to no end, and that will be responsible enough to hold a job.

And for those of you wondering: no, Mario and I are not together.  We still love each other, but we know that there is no point in dating until something changes, because we'll just keep putting ourselves through the same shit over and over and over if we do.  So, for now, he's just one of my closest friends, since I don't really have the time to keep up with anyone.

I'm actually hoping to hang out with this chick that used to be the night baker at my Panera.  But, since college started back up, she had to switch to a different store so she could work the day shift.  So, I don't really get to see her anymore, but she's freakin' amazing. So, we're hoping to start hanging out on Saturdays or something...  Her, her boyfriend, Mario and I.  (or that's the intention).

So, that's life at the moment.  Who knows where it will go from here.

I miss old friends....

And Casbah nights.
And other various drives out to Jacksonville and St. Augustine, or just around OP.
And coordinating who would pick me up from my window to sneak out late into the night, and bring me home at 4 am.

And waking up in the same arms I fell asleep in...

And ignorance.






Open windows still give me a rush.

My sister was on maternity leave for a couple months right after she got her new job, so she's having to build up clientel again so she can start making money to pay her bills and take care of the baby.


Sooo.... to help her, I'm leaving the link to a $10 voucher towards a hair cut or anything else, as long as she's your stylist.

She works at Salon Nouveu on Kingsley, on Smith street, I think. (the turn before the CVS (not the Walgreens) towards the end of Kingsley, before 17.

Don't be afraid. If you've ever seen my hair, my sister's been the one cutting it since I was in 7th grade. And she's been cutting Samantha Debruhl's hair for about a year. She did my hair for prom the past two years, as well as Samantha's, and did my friend Sarah's makeup for it. She did Samantha's hair for Miss RHS. And she's done brides' maids hair before, blah blah blah, I could go on... Basically, she's good, and she's cool.

If you want an edgy haircut or dye job, she's the person to go to. In fact, she's doing mine again tomorrow. Look out. lol.

Or if you have a specific cut/style you want, bring her a picture of it, and she'll cut it that way, and tell you how to style it to look just like the picture. (she can show you how to style it, but I don't know if that costs extra, because I don't pay for my haircuts. lol)

But seriously, at least do it for the sake of my neice. My sister's hustband cheated on her with some idiotic bitch while she was 7 months preggo, and now she's having to raise the kid alone, and she's completely broke because she doesn't have costomers regularly coming in. So until she builds up some clientel, she's having to get a second job.

Here's the link to the $10 voucher for your first haircut:
http://ic1.deviantart.com/fs11/i/2006/232/2/9/Ignore_this__by_issamonster.jpg
...ignore the fact that it's on my dA account. I just needed somewhere to host the picture.


Thanks guys!

Love,
Issa.

Today...

1) Had to call out of work for medical reasons.
2) Family thinks I'm a whore. (except for my little brother that loves me, but he's in VA)
3) Failed my AP test.
4) My MP3 player isn't working, again.


5) Less importantly, Mario said he'd call me 5 hours ago, and is now in a place of no signal. Just an irritation.








Great day.
Thanks, God.

I updated my artsite and everyone should go check out my random pictures from Europe.

www.issamonster.deviantart.com

Just browse the gallery.



Randomly busted out The Used's first cd.  Still love it.

Still looking for a new job, though I still like Glamour Shots.  Damn gas prices.

Car needs a new paint job.  *sigh*
I hate not having money.

Fixed my MP3 player, and I'm very happy.

Realized I let go of majority of the relationships I had with people...  Things are less complicated, but I have too much time to think sometimes.

Mario's pretty much out of the picture.  I think I've seen him twice in the past month, and both times were pretty much just for clarifying that he was never going to give up pot, so we can never be together.  ...Not like I didn't see it coming though.

It's one less stressful thing in my life.  ...But I do miss male attention.  The only male attention I get is from my boss, who's 27 and has a gf.  Other than that, the only person I spend time with is Angie, and she lacks a certain organ...  Oh, and Mario's mommy, but that's because I've adopted her to be my OP mom, since mine lives in VA.  
...Personally, that's just too much estrogen to be around.  I'd hate to be an Angie (no offense, love), but I'm craving male attention sooooo bad right now. 

The problem is that I'm so damn picky.  There are a few guys that are interested in me, but I hate the whole dating thing.  Every guy I've ever dated was my friend first, with the exception of Stuart and Mario, and that's because they were instant sparks.  And I still can't remember what it was that caught my interest... 

• I love intellegent guys.  Not necessarily booksmart...  I mean, booksmart is good, too...guys that pick up a book once in a while, and could possibly help me with my homework (if ever I needed it...).  Like, Mario wasn't good at math, but he was really creative and resourceful and knew how to cook very well.  And both he and Stuart knew a lot more about electrical stuff and cars than I do.  So it was a situation where I could learn from them.  ..But neither of them were excessively nerdy either.  I do attract booksmart guys once in while, and it's lovely and all to talk to people on the same wavelength, but a lot of booksmart people tend to teeter on the verge of being excessively...well, dorky.  And I can only stand it so much.
  

• I like older guys.  It's not a shallow thing at all... I've just never connected with any guys my own age.  ...But I wont date guys that are more than 3 years older than me, either, because then I feel like I'm being used or something.  ...At least at this age.

• I love artsy guys.  However, I have a reallllly hard time finding them.  Majority of the art classes I've taken have mostly consisted of females and the occasional guy.  The problem is that there seems to be a shortage of decently attractive artistic guys around here, without them being totally dark and morbid, which I can only stand so much of with my flowery perspective on life.  ...But guys that are musically talented count, too, as long as they aren't the type that can't go 5 minutes of sitting in their room without picking up their guitar.  I hate that.

• I like guys that have similar taste in music as me, which is realllly hard to come by, so I don't make it essential.  Mitchell liked some of my music, and Mario and I had a lot of music in common, but it's not very often that you find guys that know who Mirah or The Postal Service or Explosions In The Sky even are, muchless that like them.

• The last thing I look for in a guy--aside from being a fairly good cook, which I don't seem to have a problem finding--is a guy with some confidence.   Though Mario lacked much self-esteem, he at least had enough confidence to flirt...a lot.  And I love that.  I love guys that flirt.  It's fun.  I'm not a fan of pickup lines or anything, but I love when a guy that will do about anything to get my attention.  Stuart used to pick me up and walk around with me, Mario took things from the concession table I was helping with to get my attention, and also skipped class to find me at lunch.  Silly things like that.  I love it.
  

...It's why I hate dating so much.  When Mario and I were together, we were practically married.  We totally skipped the whole dating thing.  We hung out at school a lot, and I went home with him a couple times, we made out a couple times, and that was it.  We were together.  Instant spark, as I said. 
But in the dating world... I have no clue how the rules work. 
And I just don't like it.

And I feel bad about referring to Mario all the time... But he was such a huge part of my life.  I'll always love him, though I'll never know why I do.  But it's the same with Stuart.  Though it was more of a fling, the feelings we shared in that horribly short time were enough that I'll remember them forever. 
...However, they were both cases of a love that just didn't work.  And though it's sad, I'm okay with it, because I have hope that one day I'll find the guy I'm meant to be with.  I just hate the idea of being alone for a long time.  AND DATING.  uggghh.  I hate it so much. 

Rant Rant Rant, I know.  I'm done.

I'm a little confused about my current situation, that I have no intentions of elaborating on, but overall things seem to be looking up for once.
Well, at least in my life.

I'm so concerned for my sister.  She just doesn't deserve bad things to happen to her.  But, I have faith in her strength.  If anyone can come out ahead in her situation, it will be her.

But it's a similar case with many of my favourite couples--the ones that had me believing in young love...  Jennie and Dan, Kara and Brian, Samantha and Drewski, Jenn and Mike...  Fuck, even Mario and I didn't work out at all.  Why does the season of love seem so grim this year? 

I pray for all of them. 

I can't believe I'm leaving for London and France in 5 days.  It's incredible.  I haven't even given a second thought towards packing yet.  I probably wont until Monday or Tuesday. 

Oh, and if anyone knows of a place, that's not in the food industry, that's hiring right now, please let me know.  I'm only 17 though, so if they hire at 18, I'm screwed.

I have a birthday wish:

Normally I don't ask for anything for my birthday, but this year I found a 4GB mp3 player with an fm world radio for about half price.  It's 150$, and I only have about 50$ that I can spend right now.  So, what I'm asking is that everyone give me like... 10$.  It's not a huge amount to ask for.... but if I receive that small amount from even just 10 people, it will really help me buy it.  And I reallllllly want it.  All 3 of my cd players are broken.  2 are old hand-me-downs that got beat up, and the last one was heat damaged from my car and doesn't work.  
I'm going to Europe in a week and I have no way of listening to music.  I might die.  =P

If you would like to contribute to the Issa Music Fund, let me know.  I'll give you my address.

Just tell me how much you're sending, because I have to buy it by the 27th (Saturday), and I need to know how much I have coming my way.

Please guys, it would really mean a lot to me.

Peace and Love,
Issa.

Tonight I stepped down from what was playing out to be a trapese act that I didn't want to fall from, again.

I'm both proud of myself, and very bored.

I miss people I shouldn't.
I miss the comfort of being with someone as weird as I am.
I can't even explain...


Will you say when I’m gone away
"My lover came to me and we'd lay
In rooms unfamiliar but until now"

Will you say to them when I’m gone
"I loved your son for his sturdy arms
We both learned to cradle then live without"

Will you say when I’m gone away
'Your father’s body was judgement day
We both dove and rose to the riverside"

Will you say to me when I’m gone
"Your face has faded but lingers on
Because light strikes a deal with each coming night"

-"Each Coming Night" by Iron & Wine

I love going to graduation and watching all of my friends graduate and leave me each year...

New user pic. Woo.

Chan Marshall of Cat Power.

She's cute.

And I drew this in an hour.

And I'm really proud of it, because it's probably my best drawing ever. =D